Reasoning with Madness
"This is a barbaric yawp, and it will be sounded over the roofs of the world."
Took a few days off to mourn and reflect on my mother's life. Forced myself out of the house to get some much needed time in the trees today. It's where I feel closest to the Divine. Took Kea and the dog to hike up by the hospital where she passed. It's a beautiful place with the city below and Mt Hood in the distance. But going up the mountain you can get lost in the forest where I am most at home. I swear I could feel my mom in the gentle breeze...
Dad told me he wanted my mom to go out in style. He didn't want her to rot away in some fucking nursing home. It's no Florida beach, but it will have to do. At least my mom's room has a nice view of a pretty mountainside, as she prepares for her journey into the next world. I love you forever mom. I'm gonna fucking miss you.
As we prepare the final days with my mother this weekend and a global pandemic has begun, I was nervous going to see Tool last night in Portland. It just felt...wrong.
But my mother would have told me to go so we grit our teeth and went. I'm glad I did. It may be one of the last concerts in Oregon for awhile.
Shortly after the show, the governor declared a statewide shut down of all large gatherings of 250 or more for the next 4 weeks. My friends down in Eugene weren't so lucky as the show was cancelled tonight due to the order.
I'm very sorry for them, some whom flew back home to see this show.
The world has become a rather terrifying place all of a sudden.
"Contagion, I exhale you...Bless this immunity." @ Moda Center at the Rose Quarter
Today our family meets with the doctors to determine whether we continue my mom's care, subjecting her to a tracheotomy to continue her ventilator, possibly sending her to a skilled nursing facility and continue to hope she wakes up or whether this is all a long, painful extension of a life that may not worth living. She had no advanced directive, and there are conflicting "wishes" of hers, including her last words to me that she wasn't going to give up. But depending on the meeting today, we may be very limited to what we can actually do. She needs to have her remaining adrenal gland removed due to a rare tumor that may have been the source for everything that has happened to her, but her body cannot withstand a surgery and it would mean a level of care that is far more profound than possible. There are many other factors I can't discuss here, but I've never experienced something so brutal, so agonizing and so soul-crushing as what we are looking at. I'm not sure how to process all of this. I rely on my sister, father and fiance for guidance and wisdom, but we are all suffering the same dilemma. I don't know what to ask for, what to say or why I'm posting this, other than for my own sort of catharsis and perhaps because maybe someone out there has endured something like this and has advice (if so please feel free to just message me rather than spill your heart on this thread). I'm broken. I'm confused. I struggle to focus and concentrate. I can't sleep. I am losing this war. I may be losing my mother, the most important person in my life, the woman who gave me life, who raised me to be the man I am and who has been there for me through all of my tragedies and misfortunes. I love you more than I can ever express Carla Sundberg. I hope we can make sense of this and I hope if we can bring you back to life, it is worth the battle. And if we can't, I hope you know we fucking tried. And I love you forever.
**Update on Mom from my sister Shannon with a request for prayers. Whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs are, we kindly ask you to use our collective power of prayer, meditation, the force, Law of Attraction, or whatever works for you to send some of that healing power my mom's way. The hour is late, the situation is dire, and we are quite possibly looking at the last chance to save her life. Yesterday we had a meeting with doctors about her condition and we are moving to transition of life conversations. But we still remain hopeful as we have already seen a number of miraculous events with this. The fact that she is still alive despite what she's endured is a testament to that fact, admitted to by medical staff as well. Please friends, family, I never ask for anything, but today I simply ask you to read this post, and keep her in your thoughts and focus on healing her stomach.**
"In the next week, we pray my mothers gut heals, from the damage done when her blood pressure dropped after her last heart attack. This is critical, because now she cannot be on the feeding tube and has to be fed via IV. You can only be fed via IV for a few weeks, before risk of further infection and other complications ensue.
She also requires water through a feeding tube, to balance out the alkalinity and acidosis that is affecting her breathing and causing the need for the ventilator. Everything completely hinges now, on her gut healing in the next week. If this heals, those other things have a chance to resolve, whereby a chance for her to come out of her coma.
My father suspects the coma is related to the bodies way of reserving all autonomic functions for the rest of the body to stay alive. The doctor said she has had numerous small strokes on different part of her brain and one in the visual cortex, so she may be blind, now. It is unclear if that too can heal. But for now, there hasn't been a brain stem stroke, so there is hope she can heal from the others.
Pray in the miraculous name of Raphael, archangel of healing, that her gut be fully restored and healed with the support of Jesus Christ's name. Christ has reported to perform many miracles and still does to this day. I have bore witness to my own and others, to solidify this fact. I will not give up, as the Will of God always prevails and will for my mother. There will be nothing to stop that. So, for now, the Will of God has enabled her to survive two rounds of sepsis, two heart attacks, congestive heart failure, full systemic organ failure and multiple seizures and mini-strokes. She is already a miracle and God's ability to perform them know no bounds; we must call to him to continue to perform them for Carla.
Let us all pray, in the perfect miraculous benevolent name of Jesus Christ, for the restoration of Carla Sundberg's lower intestine to be fully formed, healed and soothed by the hand of Christ's spoken name. All of us, here and now, call upon him together to heal her, in total love, hope and unity. It is in the power of focused energy, that manifests to Christ, with the same cause and vibration. It is why mass prayer has facilitated in acts of miracles.
To this day, many churches and believers witness it. My mother is not an exemption, but a current living, breathing proof of this.
Let us pray. Amen."
Today is day 21 of my mom in the hospital. She has not been able to speak or move, nor has she had any neurological reaction since last Sunday. She has almost died multiple times and every 4 hours is a new diagnosis that mystifies the neuro ICU ward at OHSU, but they, like her, and the rest of our family, have not given up the fight. My dad and I have shared daily visiting duties as she battles for her life.
I have made an oath to donate as much blood as I can for the rest of my days so that I can save another mother's life, since she has received 5 units (over a liter) now due to a lower GI bleed that has since last night at least, been constantly bleeding. Docs can't inspect or operate due to the fragile condition she is in. Really any surgery that is necessary will be fatal at this point.
She is on a ventilator, feeding tubes (now intravenous due to the bleeding) and MRIs have shown significant (yet impermanent) cellular damage in her brain as well as several mini strokes. Possible causes are blood clots from the heart, shock, sepsis, high blood pressure or any combination of those. There are many more details I'm just too tired to write about here.
Some good news is that her vitals have finally seemed to stabilize, there are no signs of infection, no organ failure, no fevers, very little meds. Last night I spoke to her for a couple hours and I swear she could hear me and physically responded to significant things I told her. Nurses and doctors said it was simply coincidence and reflex, not conscious movement or reaction.
I refuse to believe that now. Her soul is in there, trapped in that monkey suit with her wiring all fucked up. She's in there. I know it. Tonight, her eyes moved more, reacting to bright lights by closing them, and yet again agitation when we brought up significant events.
I pray to Raphael to bring her healing and wisdom for the medical staff.
This is a physical, mental and spiritual battle for life itself. I am not leaving her side. I am not giving up on my mother.
We've come too far.
Who Am I?
I am Ahab.