Reasoning with Madness
"This is a barbaric yawp, and it will be sounded over the roofs of the world."
Today our family meets with the doctors to determine whether we continue my mom's care, subjecting her to a tracheotomy to continue her ventilator, possibly sending her to a skilled nursing facility and continue to hope she wakes up or whether this is all a long, painful extension of a life that may not worth living. She had no advanced directive, and there are conflicting "wishes" of hers, including her last words to me that she wasn't going to give up. But depending on the meeting today, we may be very limited to what we can actually do. She needs to have her remaining adrenal gland removed due to a rare tumor that may have been the source for everything that has happened to her, but her body cannot withstand a surgery and it would mean a level of care that is far more profound than possible. There are many other factors I can't discuss here, but I've never experienced something so brutal, so agonizing and so soul-crushing as what we are looking at. I'm not sure how to process all of this. I rely on my sister, father and fiance for guidance and wisdom, but we are all suffering the same dilemma. I don't know what to ask for, what to say or why I'm posting this, other than for my own sort of catharsis and perhaps because maybe someone out there has endured something like this and has advice (if so please feel free to just message me rather than spill your heart on this thread). I'm broken. I'm confused. I struggle to focus and concentrate. I can't sleep. I am losing this war. I may be losing my mother, the most important person in my life, the woman who gave me life, who raised me to be the man I am and who has been there for me through all of my tragedies and misfortunes. I love you more than I can ever express Carla Sundberg. I hope we can make sense of this and I hope if we can bring you back to life, it is worth the battle. And if we can't, I hope you know we fucking tried. And I love you forever.
Who Am I?
I am Ahab.