Reasoning with Madness
"This is a barbaric yawp, and it will be sounded over the roofs of the world."
Thanks to the outpouring of support from everyone. Sorry if I am slow to respond or just haven't yet, it's hard to keep up on everything, with work and life on top of this difficult situation with my mom. An update here to make it simple: she is in stable but critical condition. Not much change since Monday night. We're staying hopeful despite the waves of fear and heartache. They tried to remove the breathing tube yesterday but she was too anxious. They will try again today. They also collected a sample of fluid from her lungs to test to make sure they've got the right antibiotics in play. They said they can make a custom antibiotic if it's an uncommon strain. She hasn't woken up yet, no opening of the eyes, no reaction to anyone talking to her, everything has been autonomic function only, so we are worried about potential brain damage. I assumed it was due to the medication she is on, but based on my conversation with my dad, that might not be the case. She has been down this road, though, and perhaps I'm just forgetting how long she tends to rest. Last time it was a few days, so perhaps we are just worrying over nothing. Docs aren't concerned though and expect her to recover so we are keeping that in mind. We will be following up with them on this issue today.
My family and I are hanging in there. I went to work yesterday. Went home to get some rest last night since I have barely slept. Feeling a little more strength this morning but the lingering cloud of worry remains thick. I'll be going to work today since that keeps me from going too crazy. My feeling is if I'm at work, things are ok. If not, then I go into grief and serious worry mode and fight panic and anxiety. And hospitals are hard for me (like airports). Sitting there, watching machines keep my mom alive with nothing to do, no way to help, just feels awful and it's very difficult for me to endure long periods of time in this situation. Plus the ICU is small, only two visitors at a time, and it's not very comfortable or pleasant to be there.
I keep thinking of my last conversation with my mom about a week ago or so, which was a nice long talk on the phone about a lot of different things. She was happy and peaceful and we had some laughs.
But she still needs to walk me down the aisle of my wedding in June. I have a song that chokes me up every time. So she can't be going anywhere anytime soon.
Had a bit of a meltdown last night but it's from holding it together all day. It just came flooding out. Anger, sobbing, heartbreak, worry, fear. All of the shitty feelings. But it was necessary. I plan to go back to the hospital probably tonight even if not much is changed.
I'm praying and hoping and feeding the energy with positivity that today is the day she wakes up and wants to to watch Ancient Aliens or something.
Who Am I?
I am Ahab.