Reasoning with Madness
"This is a barbaric yawp, and it will be sounded over the roofs of the world."
Today is day 21 of my mom in the hospital. She has not been able to speak or move, nor has she had any neurological reaction since last Sunday. She has almost died multiple times and every 4 hours is a new diagnosis that mystifies the neuro ICU ward at OHSU, but they, like her, and the rest of our family, have not given up the fight. My dad and I have shared daily visiting duties as she battles for her life.
I have made an oath to donate as much blood as I can for the rest of my days so that I can save another mother's life, since she has received 5 units (over a liter) now due to a lower GI bleed that has since last night at least, been constantly bleeding. Docs can't inspect or operate due to the fragile condition she is in. Really any surgery that is necessary will be fatal at this point.
She is on a ventilator, feeding tubes (now intravenous due to the bleeding) and MRIs have shown significant (yet impermanent) cellular damage in her brain as well as several mini strokes. Possible causes are blood clots from the heart, shock, sepsis, high blood pressure or any combination of those. There are many more details I'm just too tired to write about here.
Some good news is that her vitals have finally seemed to stabilize, there are no signs of infection, no organ failure, no fevers, very little meds. Last night I spoke to her for a couple hours and I swear she could hear me and physically responded to significant things I told her. Nurses and doctors said it was simply coincidence and reflex, not conscious movement or reaction.
I refuse to believe that now. Her soul is in there, trapped in that monkey suit with her wiring all fucked up. She's in there. I know it. Tonight, her eyes moved more, reacting to bright lights by closing them, and yet again agitation when we brought up significant events.
I pray to Raphael to bring her healing and wisdom for the medical staff.
This is a physical, mental and spiritual battle for life itself. I am not leaving her side. I am not giving up on my mother.
We've come too far.
Who Am I?
I am Ahab.