be kind

Another day at the hospital, this time with Kea joining me to visit my mom. First the good news. My dad was discharged today and is feeling as good as he did before he got sick. His vitals are back to normal, he's feeling good and is back to his old self again. Also in the good news bucket, my mom is not on a ventilator, her lungs seem to be recovering, the pneumonia is on the outs, her fever has been gone for days, and she's been moving her bowels somewhat regularly. She's also potentially over her long history of opioid requirements and the detox phase, which she was using to combat the pain of rare neurological disorders that have plagued her for nearly two decades.

The bad news. My mother's bladder is still not functioning without a catheter, she's having trouble swallowing and her cognitive functioning has taken a profound and hellish turn in the wrong direction. She can barely speak all of a sudden, is having significant memory impairment and she's having trouble forming words for some reason. She knows who I am, she remembers our talk about that "Stephen King show on HBO" we talked about last time, she knows who the president is and still hates "the fucker" (love my ma) and she is still worried about missing the wedding. But she has trouble remembering her grandchildren's names, she has to be prompted to know where she is and she gets frustrated that she can't talk. The doctors aren't entirely sure why she's having this happen and will be performing tests tomorrow to figure it out. We aren't ruling out stroke, MS, parkinsons or perhaps this is a bit of ICU delirium that the doctors see quite frequently. But it really worries me and seeing her in this condition really shattered me today.

I lost it in that room. I sobbed like a child and held her hands and told her I loved her repeatedly. I told her to keep fighting. She shook and fought to continue to form the words to say she loved me too, while my dad and sister and fiance talked with nurses and we talked to the doctor with our list of questions. It was one of the most difficult days yet. They think she will be headed to rehab for some weeks after she leaves here, but they need to identify the cognitive issues she's dealing with. It's fucking heartbreaking and I'm struggling very much with all of this.

My temper is short, my mood is dark and I am doing everything to hold it together. I am really not ok, but I must stay intact. I have to be there for her and my family and I pray that she comes back.

Please, friends, family, keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming. She can use all of them. Today I showed her how many reactions and comments this has gotten and she started crying and asked me, "these are for me?" I said yes mom they are. They are not going unheard and they all serve to heal a beautiful woman, a kind and loving soul who should not have to suffer like this.

If there is anyone reading this who works in the medical community who might have some thoughts or ideas about her cognitive issues that I could relay to the doctors, please private message me your thoughts. I am not looking for medical advice per se, but just some things they could be looking at to help identify potential issues. Forgive me for asking that, but perhaps it could lead to a discovery on her condition that could help her turn the corner.

Never take this life for granted and share your love with those closest to you and let them know how much they matter. You never know when shit will get weird or when that person might leave this earthly plane or need you by their side to stay here.

And remember, try to be kind. You never know what someone is dealing with. Good night.